Fri Apr 7, 2006
What follows is my proposed script for a short Public Service Announcement that would be played before the previews at adult theaters and peepshow booths.
Scene opens: (a 3rd string celebrity male dressed in khakis and a button down shirt smiles at the camera.)
“Hello, I’m (some guy you have a vague recollection of) you might remember me from such public service announcements as “Name That Rash!” and “Dude, Where’s My Prostate”? I’m here today to talk to you about something very important to me. Did you know that every 26 seconds a man is diagnosed with Post Orgasmic Dork Disorder? That’s right, in less than the time it will take you to recall the highlights of my career, including my stint on VH1’s “Where Are They Now, And Who The Hell Cares”, another man will be stained with P.O.D.D. .
What is P.O.D.D. you ask?
(Cut to bed room. Close up on disheveled, sweat soaked couple laying in a tangle of sheets.)
Woman: (reaches for 2 cigarettes and offers one to the man) Do you smoke after sex?
Man: I dunno, never checked afterwards (Makes an exaggerated glance downward.)
(Jump cut to new couple lying on a bearskin rug. The room is lit by firelight and soft music plays in the background. As the woman nuzzles into the curve of the man’s neck and lets out a satisfied purr. The man looks at the camera and begins to giggle un-controllably as the woman groans and rolls off frame.)
(Jump cut to open field on a warm summer’s afternoon.)
Man (buttons overalls, and looks off camera.) Waffles?
(off screen) BAAH-BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
(Return to Narrator)
Yes, I know what you are saying to yourself right now, what the hell was up with the sheep?! That obvious cheap joke aside, P.O.D.D. is a serious and sometimes life-threatening condition that effects millions of men every year. Well, ok, so no men have actually died from it, but you ladies know that there have been times when you wished you could stuff him in a wood chipper afterwards.
What causes P.O.D.D. you ask? To answer this we asked noted scientist and sex educator Professor Littleoldman.
(Cut to a 2 shot of the host and fake scientist type in a lab like setting)
Sincere Yet Obviously Scientist Type: You see, (points to a drawing of a naked man on a flip chart) the male body only has enough blood in it’s circulatory system to maintain a baseline pulse. Once aroused, blood is drawn from the brain and diverted to the genital regions. Men in this situation have been known to make illogical and irrational decisions due to the lack of blood flow to the brain, specifically to the guilt, reason and fashion centers. Upon orgasm, the now oxygen starved brain is reduced to the base functions and centers. Specifically the hunger and the region that stores knowledge derived from Drive time radio DJs, or as the scientific community calls it, The Stern-ium Hole.
Host: (nodding in agreement) Is there any cure for PODD?
SYOST: Sadly not yet, however the fine folks at The Center for Helping Orgasmic Abnormalities and Disorders is dedicated to performing tireless research to help find a cure.
(Cut back to first couple in disheveled bed.)
Woman: (Cautiously) Do you smoke after sex?
Man: I dunn… (lets out a high pitched scream)
(Camera pulls back to reveal a lab coated assistant standing along side the bed brandishing a cattle prod.)
Man: (With a wavering voice.) Why yes, thank you.
Woman: (Turns to camera and smiles with a tear in her eye.) Thank you CHOAD, for giving me hope again.
(Return to Host)
Yes, there is hope for many but we have a long road ahead and need you help. That is why we have teamed up with the owners of this adult video store to help raise funds for this cause. Next time you see the large novelty, jar shaped condom alongside the register be sure to toss in a few of the quarters you have left over from this mid day jerk off session that you are enjoying. And please, remember with your help we can one day make this terrible affliction a thing of the past. Till then, enjoy your porn.
Oh, and one last thing, the Janitors Union have asked me to remind you to please use the complimentary tissues provided and avoid blowing your load on the stall walls. That shit is just nasty, and a total bitch to clean up afterwards. We are talking putty knife nasty. Thank you and good day.
Monk flunked out of film school after calling an instructor “a no-talent ass clown”. Today he makes and sells the world’s finest hemp bondage rope. Check it out at www.twistedmonk.com