Last week I wrote about non-sexual play, and how I enjoyed taking small trophies from the women I played with as part of creating an intimate moment without having a sexual relationship. This article generated a great deal of feedback on my blog and number of excellent comments. One question that stood out for me was, “What do you do with all the sexual energy that is generated in the scene if you are not going to fuck the girl when you are done?”

I’m a huge movie fan so in order to best describe the feeling I get when I play like this, I fell back to what I know best, monster movies. The best description I could give would be that it feels like being a werewolf who can control their

lycanthropy. Powerless to the pull of the full moon, the traditional werewolf is unable to control the forces that are raging about in their bodies. They are pulled in a thousand directions at once. When I play non-sexually, I feel that my energy can be harnessed, focused into the scene to create something special. That focusing is a powerful narcotic. Just as the bottom gets “high” from their endorphin release, I feed off my own ability to re-channel my sexual energy. Rather than thinking about when you should indulge your growing lust, your focus returns to the scene with greater intensity and the experience you are attempting to create for the bottom.

How do you go about it?

First and foremost there needs to be a clear definition of what the boundaries are. My definition of “sex” might not be the same as yours. Is sex to be considered just genital-to-genital contact? Or is the entire panty area to be considered a “no-fly” zone that you will avoid all together? What about penetration with fingers or insertables? If they bring themselves to orgasm does it mean something different than you reaching a hand down and getting them off yourself? Is that now sex? It might seem like a mood killer to define such minutia like this, but a small time investment upfront can save you loads of confusion and heartache later.

Where you play, impacts how you play.

The location you choose to play in often sets the expectations for what the outcome will be. A scene that takes place in the bedroom sets a different tone and expectations (implied or otherwise) than one that takes place in a public play space. When you are first starting off private, uncontrolled spaces are probably not your best bet. Stick to public play parties at first. This can also help to create good boundaries for your play when you limit your non-partner based play to a specific location / event. Intimidated by the idea of playing in public? Co-topping with a more experienced top is a great way to not only learn more but also improve your confidence as well.

Time is not on your side.

Anyone who has spent too much time in the back seat of a car on a hot summer night knows this; no one is made of stone. While I believe that one can, over time, hold on to more control and ride the experience for longer, eventually even the most stone cold of tops will lose control and cross the line from play to sex. My solution, limit the duration of play. Plan for delivering only ninety minutes of play rather than that five-hour marathon you fantasized about. Yes, I do know a few tops who are capable of delivering amazing scenes that can span days, but these are folks who have spent years honing this skill. Besides, if in an hour you can leave the bottom pushed to their limit, yet hungry for more, then she will most certainly come back for another round.

Why Even Bother?

All this talk of limits and self-restraint! So why bother? You will get more play, that’s why. Bottoming can put a person in a very vulnerable space. Women are much, MUCH more likely to allow you to put them in such a vulnerable space when they know that you won’t take advantage of said vulnerability and cross over into a whole other area of vulnerability, that being sex. With more play come more opportunities to better your skills and hopefully meet someone with whom you will want to take things further.

Monk’s first job in film was as a lighting grip on an amature lesbian 3-way shoot. These days he makes and sell the best bondage rope in the world at twistedmonk.com