Yes, dear readers, it is that time. Every sex columnist has to do at least one rant about the dire state of online dating. Now there have been some amazing and funny rants on this subject already written. While entertaining, these all seem to focus on the foibles and failings of men and what they must do if they wish to garner the attention of the fairer sex. In the interest of fair play and equal time I say we turn the tables and talk about the where the ladies go wrong in this arena.

When it comes to online dating, men out number women by a huge margin. Yes, more and more women log in every day, but a quick search of any personals site will reveal a deluge of men looking to meet and start up something with a limited number of girls. Here is how the system works. Women, you place the ads and men, we respond to them in droves.

So, what makes a good personals ad then? The kind of ad that not only gets responses but the kind of responses from guys that you might actually want to correspond with and who knows, maybe even fuck?

It all starts with a screen name. Pick a good name for yourself. When searching out potential ads, we often are presented with a long list of nicknames that we make split second judgments about. A name like “ShyRopeGirl” is going to market a very different response than a more provocative name like say, “Princess_Pissflaps”. So pick wisely. A safe bet is something playful and sexy and not too demanding on the guy’s IQ. Yes, boys are not the smartest, so keep it simple.

Voluptuous women are beautiful (I’ve personally had my brains fucked out by several over the years) but nothing says, “I look like Jabba the Hutt in a thong” than a name containing more than one diminutive adjective. Avoid terms like “lil”, “mini”, “tiny” and anything ending in “-ity”

Which brings me to my next point. Photos. Ads with photos get more responses plain and simple. Photos that show more than just you face will net you even more responses. Now don’t get me wrong here, this does not mean that only the “beautiful people” should be posting, quite the contrary actually. Boys are visual creatures; yes we may one day love you for your mind, but it is that momentary flash of lust when we see the tattoo at the base of your neck that starts us down the path. Not having any photos is usually a red flag for guys. Either you are hiding something or you are actually a bitter 38-year-old man who is posing as a girl for kicks. As long as the shots are good quality, flattering and most importantly recent photos of you, then we are golden. All we really want here is to see that you, like us, are a normal human who is approachable and being honest, flaws and all.

Most of the women have a common complaint, “the guy didn’t take the time to read my profile!” Again, men are simple. We want details, things that you are interested and common topics we can use as an excuse to begin a conversation. What we don’t want is a thousand word essay on who you are and where you are at this stage of your life. Such things are best left to your online journal. This brings me to my next point. No guy wants to hear about your last lover. We all like the illusion that we are the most interesting, cutest, best-endowed and proficient lovers you have ever had the pleasure of spending time naked with. Any profile that spends an unhealthy amount of time analyzing just how and why your last relationship failed is sure to send us screaming in terror into the night.

Now what scares boys off even faster? Bad SM poetry. Nothing says, “I’m a drama queen who is likely to leave messages on your machine at 3 am threatening suicide if you don’t call me back” like bad SM poetry in a profile. This, this should be avoided like the plague.

In the end, you will still get piles of terribly spelled, poorly written and generally clueless responses from boys. Yes, the delete key will still be your best friend, but hopefully now you won’t have to be hitting it quite as often.

Monk is a registered sharpshooter and drinks way too much coffee.  He also makes the worlds finest hemp bondage rope.  See it at www.twistedmonk.com