May 17th, 2000

Two hellish nights at my Other Job, Monday and Tuesday evenings. Full moon, truly hell on earth never wanna see them again rip your hair out and use the words you learned in the army 12-15 hour long nights.

And I weathered them well, and helped others to weather them. Felt untouched by 99% of the chaos and discord, unscathed by the insanity [for real - I had to manage one on one a person having an acute psychotic break for half an hour or so].

This sense of invincibility, an ability to survive the stresses of life that have previously battered me more severely, is directly linked to last Sunday's ritual. At one point in the ritual I started cackling, and ended up in what felt like gales of laughter, and all around the simple point of "I'm hanging and swinging from a rope tied off to two fishhooks stuck through my chest... what the fuck else could someone try to do to me or threaten me with that would be worse?"

I now know that I had prejudged what I would experience, even while I was claiming "whatever happens, happens". I expected a specific type of journey, and specific types of sights and sensations and results, similar to several I've had before. Silly boy.

It appears that I had the sort of experience I needed, rather than what I wanted. Oh, gads, Al will so chuckle at me when I tell him.

I know much more will percolate in time. This strange combination of humility [over my expectations] and strength [from my experience] is an interesting one. I'll chew on it a while.

Life is so good.

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