March 22nd, 2000

Ya know, there are times when it isn't all that easy to feel enlightened, sexy, sparkly. Times when I don't really feel like a SNAG [Sensitive New Agey Guy(tm)]. Times when I don't have the perfect thing to say, the most godlike view on life, my joints creak and my stresses show close to the surface.

I've been having rocky times on my Other Job. Making good efforts, being misunderstood, and being made to pay a price for the faults of others as they encounter and characterize me. I'm quite happy at this point in my life to be a hairy hippie-like critter, tattooed and pierced. In much of my life I'm a fairly take-charge sort of fellow, and my more dominant traits have helped my professional growth.

This has always balanced with my ability to be a healer. Within me are the Warrior, the Healer, as well as the Holy Slut and a few lesser manifestations. I don't see the conflict. Others have recently been having a problem seeing parallel attributes. A healer who - not by virtue of anything he says or does, but merely by virtue of "looking like a big bad biker kinda guy" is faulted for how people perceive him. It's something I'm dealing with on quite a few levels. I'll talk more about it as other things happen, but it is troublesome.

Working with a population of patients who have large and unresolved mental and emotional baggage as a major part of their acute crisis, means that I work with folks who will readily target myself or other staff members in a pathological manner, in their attempts to help themselves feel better. As one who is most ready to step in and intervene in a crisis, I'm a favorite pop-up target. Just like wearing a badge and a gun, I'm apparently 'The Man'. It has happened much more recently, and last night happened again even while I was sitting there, watching it happen, and doing everything I could do to avoid it from happened. You can't control the psychoses of others. When you can make a life-changing intervention it can be wonderful. Last night wasn't wonderful.

Of course, as Loki seems to keep scheduling things, Life ItsOwnBadSelf can at times conspire to bleed and drain your emotional resources. Tomorrow morn, after returning from a 12 hour shift administering my underappreciated healing talents to the unwashed masses, I will have the AT&T @Home cable installer guys here, and also the ceiling hole fixer-up guy will be here to finish what he was supposed to do last week. AND, a buddy is putting a new [meaning rebuilt] trannie into my car, which has been running worse daily for several weeks now. All this has to be successfully completed prior to my having a 6pm dinner with a co-worker who is going to help me to brainstorm the Healer vs Bad Guy perception thingie above, and oh by the way squeeze in a few hours sleep so you can be fresh and alive for the conversation.

Sometimes being an enlightened SNAG ain't all that easy. I didn't want to write this journal and ignore my warts and my troubles. I don't have all the answers and things are far from being over.

Life is good, but it ain't easy. Stay tuned.

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