June 11th 2000

Argh.

If anyone out there thinks poly is easier than mono, think again. Not that monogamous is an option for me - tried it more than once and it didn't come close to being a fit. Sometimes it seems that lessons just need to be learned, then years later re-experienced all over again.

I've mentioned a couple of recent entries about enjoying my new play partner, da blonde. Our first two sessions were a lot of fun for both of us.

She also recently accepted a collar, starting a new D/s relationship with a fellow I've known casually for some time.

Now, I made it clear early and often that my policy in being a Career Secondary is that I do not plan on being a threat to anyone's primary relationship.

Da blond and I had negotiated at some length, via email, over dinner, face to face, ICQ, and an online negotiation form. A, B, & C are ok, L, M, and N are absolutely please do, P, Q, and R are maybe, and X, Y, and Z are no way. I did no X, Y, or Z.

What I mentioned in my journal after our session the other day, when I introduced her to needles, followed pretty much exactly what we did, as best as I could remember hours later, and nothing was hidden. I mentioned appreciating being able to accompany her on part of her exploring; said nothing about anything more possessive than wanting to be able to continue.

Now this morning I get email from the man who collared her, telling me all sorts of nasty things about having broken agreements, violated his trust, broken any respect he has for me, and generally spitting on me. The next email I got, written two hours later but received by me this evening at the same time, more or less said "Oops, never mind." Visions of Rosanna Rosanna Danna. And then an email from da blond herself apologizing to both he and I.

Frankly, I don't think that either she or I have anything to apologize for, as neither of us violated any agreement I was aware of. Anything between them that I may not know of, I dunno.

He said I shouldn't have thought I was getting a long term partner; I hadn't planned on anything more than a secondary partner, short or long. [Plus I do no D/s; only sensation play]. He said that the intent was only for me to give her a taste of edge play, and to see if she enjoyed it enough that he should learn to do it to her. As far as I'm concerned, that may have been HIS expectations (either unexpressed or so casually that I never heard any such emphasis), but MY expectations were that I wanted her to enjoy the experience, that she would return to her other partner(s) intact and happy, and - as we were able to negotiate - that we could continue this play. It wouldn't be the first play relationship I have where what we do is outside the realm/abilities/tastes/whims/whatever of my play partner's primary. Other tops have appreciated that. They don't do breast torture/blood/electricity/whatever; I do. Their bottom comes home happy and they can stick with what they already do well.

Today I sent email to both of them asking for a 3 person sit-down. I see no reason why this can't work out, but I refuse to continue to do blind around-a-corner negotiating. I have no doubts about my ability to maintain this relationship ethically - I have several similar that have been healthy for some years. I may offer to have him [da blonde's dom] be in touch with some of my other partner's partners. I just know that I didn't deserve this disrespect and don't intend to receive any further. The only solution is full open communication with all three involved.

Life continues to be good, but right now it's grumpy as well.

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