January 29th

Hey there, just a quick little note.

I've read over that emotional piece I wrote yesterday about my soft chewy internal kinda needs, only a few dozen times. I guess I'd better clarify myself, especially to those friends and in some cases erstwhile or potential lovers in the local area. I am not an emotional black hole these days. I simply am being up front about expressing my own needs and wants, in ways I may not have before.

Nope, I'm not looking to be anyone's primary partner. No I'm not looking to insert myself into anyone's existing relationships uninvited. No, I'm not looking to steal anyone's partner away, no matter the state of your relationship. No, I'm not looking to find Rita, the girl who loved me and left me in 1983 in Texas [but she's welcome to call...]. No, I'm not looking to have sex or 'soft touch' with anyone who doesn't want it with me. And, no, I don't want a pity fuck or a pity snuggle. If you say your limit is "don't touch my toenails", I won't touch your toenails. I will make a renewed point of knowing exactly where your toenails are and observing the limit. And if I have ever 'touched your toenails' at any time, take me aside quietly and mention it one on one, please? .

Yup, I have needs. Yes, I have parts of me that have holes the size of Nebraska that need to be filled. Yes, I'm damaged goods - but I'm stable and sane damaged goods, dealing with my damage in an upfront manner, acknowledging realities and dealing with life with both feet on the ground. I had some rough days a month or two ago, but that is not me now. Everyone I know is damaged goods one way or another. Everyone I know has holes - some the size of pinpricks and some the size of three Nebraskas, that they need filled. No one anywhere near my age is perfect, is untouched by the wounds from others and from the sins of our own.

Several friends have recently told me cold harsh truths as they see them, for my own good. Some were for my own good, some were for the good of the one telling me, some were informational. Some were a surprise, some were disappointing to hear, some were already known. Some were things I have very different memories of, some were of things I had no clue was thought. Every one of them hurt.

But........I'm also still hurt by the fact that George W. Bush stole the White House. We deal with our painful truths, figure out which ones are true, which ones are fable, which to learn from and which to ignore. I might not like which I find to be true and which not. I deal with it.

I firmly feel that any relationship severance or argument or other difficulty between people has shared responsibility. Give you an example. When I had a divorce about 20 years or so ago, we went to couple's counseling. I knew things were fucked when I confronted my 50% of the fuckups of either omission or comission whether I liked what I saw about myself or not. My now-ex-wife, however, when forced by the counselor was unable to do more than phrase things like "I was wrong when I let Peter do blahblah..."; "I was wrong to believe Peter when he said such'n'such"; "I shouldn't have let myself be hurt by Peter" ... all basically me being wrong, not her. Folks, that ain't how it happens. The numbers may or may not be exactly 50/50, but everyone has some responsibility to fess up to, something to learn, something to benefit from, some lesson to adhere to whether after a fight, a divorce, a break-up, an argument, a war on terrorism, whatever.

Point being is not dissipate any of my burden of learning or responsibility from the 'cold, harsh' things I've been told about myself. The point is that I'll learn all those things regardless now that I've heard them, and take the lessons on to a discussion with a friend tomorrow, a play date in a few days, a future close relationship, and on in life. Point, though, is that the best thing in the world would be for anyone who has been involved in any of those 'cold, harsh' thingies to get those lessons. Just to avoid 'learning' them the way my ex wife did.

And I'm doing ok. I just still want some of that soft touch stuff that I've decided will make life gooder. Just only from the folks who wanna give it.

[sorry about all those italics I used for emphasis... at least I didn't litter bold stuff all over the place... I used 'em where I heard 'em speaking the words out loud - it's an imperfect medium.]

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