February 18th

Well, thank the Goddess we got to another made up holiday and got off the last one.

Personally, I wanna nuke the Hallmark people. I've been feeling like a real scrooge on the topic of Valentine's Day, choking back venom when I hear commercials or radio DJs prattling on about it and that sort of thing. For years I had a turtle shell on my back, kept me safe from those sorts of sentimental things. A year ago someone got under that turtle shell and opened me up. Made me feel again, and I have not a single regret it happened. Now, though, a few months ago I got that piece of my heart shattered, taken away. I haven't put a turtle shell over that raw opening, and I can feel the void, aching. So, no, I haven't wanted to 'celebrate' Valentines Day, I've just wanted to try to keep the bitterness coming from my pain from eating my own soul, and from souring the happiness of others, who have their own voids filled [and in my community, some have it filled two and more times over].

I survived it, and didn't firebomb any greetings card stores or candy shops or yell at any of my happy and enriched friends. Definitely fucking time to move on.

Now, the next made up holiday. When I was a kid we had two holidays - Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday. Some cheapskate in the federal government got the idea of lumping all the Presidents together on one day near both the original birthdays. Frankly, when I first heard of it I had two thoughts - first, I didn't want to lose a holiday. Second, what the fuck do Washington and Lincoln have in common other than both having achieved political sainthood posthumously. No one listened - Mongo only pawn... in game of life. At any rate it's a 'safe' holiday. I can't really work up a good snitfit about it. It'll do until the next one, Easter, where people like me will sit back and snortle at the silly leaps of faith that people who worship other imaginary beings than my imaginary beings will grasp at in hopes of peace and immortality.

As Dilbert said in all his bright eyed wisdom once, "Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion." Dilbert is pretty much on target for several paragraphs above.

Thank you to the dozens of readers - many complete strangers - who have written encouraging and supportive email recently. I've been writing to my heart, my life, my needs. It's apparently struck some responsive chords in folks. The many who have written to tell me that they started reading to hear all the rough and tumble kinkoid happenings, yet were touched and moved to send encouragement as I've talked about hopes, pains, growth, needs, and such - the soft chewy interior of this Big Scary Man, it's been a richness for me. You will all never know how much help you've been to me. Thank you.

So, life lately? I haven't updated in a week. Hadn't done many website reviews in that week, or much of anything else til today. Today I took Catsy's primary partner, Thea, out for a birthday lunch, and knocked out a handful or reviews this evening. The new job goes well, but it's an energy drain. Important stuff, stuff I can't screw up, and stuff I enjoy. I go in to work around 9 or so in the morning and generally have no idea that dinner time has come in the evening. I'll leave any where from 530 to 7 or so, feel I'd done a lot and still have much to go. Other than simple meals and clearing email and stuff, I haven't done a helluva lot during the week.

I DM'd last night at the Wet Spot, and it was sorta weird. First of all I was due to orient a new person to DMing, and she no-call/no-showed. Not a good start. I was fine though, working with a staff who were all experienced, friends of each other, and competent. We didn't have a large headcount last night, and the floor was only randomly busy, but there were just several bunches of new folks wandering through where they shouldn't oughta be wandering through, sitting in the middle of the dungeon with a Big Gulp asking if they can sit on the rack and watch. We were busy just trying to keep the place more or less safe for the players and the observers without unduly antagonizing the folks we were having to wrangle. I was glad when my 9-MN shift was over.

Oh, and I did buy a PDA! Thanks for those who sent their suggestions. I decided I needed one with a widely used operating system, one withOUT the color screens or bells and whistles, but with as much memory as I could get. I walked into Staples and looked over their selection. It was a much better selection than at the other similar stores. A couple years ago the boxes were 2-5mb. When I started looking recently they were 5-8mb. I walked in and saw a Visor - one of the top brands friends had recommended - and their 'Pro' model offered 16mb. I figure compatibility and memory are two of the big things in these devices. Plus it was cheaper, $229, than I had thought I'd have to pay. I've looked like such a geek for the couple of days since! I stood at the shelf in my entertainment center and manually copied my DVD collection titles into a memo on it, to teach myself how to use the Graffiti language you manually enter on the device. I'm looking forward to it being a routine tool, and not a new toy.

And life continues. Not much in the way of happy sluthood to report. I'll be working on that, believe me. I know I have a good life, I just need to pick up the reality of it to match the hopes and memories. G'nite, y'all, for now.

  • The Usuals ==

  • Latest Book: The Burn Factor, by Kyle Mills
  • Last Tshirt Worn: Pain Management, by Andrew Vachss 'There are many kinds of pain, and many ways to manage it.'
  • Last DVD watched:Black Scorpion, with Joan Severance
  • Last CD listened to:Loose In The World, Judy Henske

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